Men
by miley-avril
Summary: Really, if the men in this damn town didn't stop trying to kill each other –and other people– things were going to get ugly. Emma's had enough with Hook, Goldstiltskin, and even James, so she comes up with something creative. This is a crackfic with a little bit of Snowing, Rumbelle, and Captain Swan flirting. Rated T for language.


**THIS IS ANOTHER ONE I THAT I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM. DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY CAUSE IT IS A BIT OF A CRACK FIC.**

**DON'T OWN ONCE UPON A TIME.**

Really, if the men in this damn town didn't stop trying to kill each other –and other people– things were going to get ugly. Goldstiltskin, as Emma had decided to call him, and Hook had already gone after each other twice, each encounter ending the same way: Hook bruised and battered because of Goldstiltskin's magic, and Goldstiltskin royally pissed because he had to use magic and that infuriated Belle. Then Hook would come running to Emma to tell her to do something about Goldstiltskin, but Emma couldn't because she'd been too busy trying to keep the dwarfs, Dav –er, James/father/Charming, and, surprise surprise, Goldstiltskin from trying to kill Regina. It turned out Archie was alive, and Emma was grateful because she considered Archie a friend. Emma's now dealing with Hook. _Again_.

"Why am I in here?" The pirate asks, leaning against the metal bars of the jail cell.

"Cause you're a pain in my ass." Emma responds around a mouthful of a donut.

"So princess-like." Hook retorts in a sarcastic, annoyed voice.

"You haven't figured out yet that I'm no princess?"

"Not." He corrects. "You're _not_ a princess. Oh, but my dear Swan, you are. It's in your blood." Luckily, the phone rang, interrupting the conversation.

"Hello? What do you mean Gold's gone crazy? Belle, calm down. What, exactly, is he doing? Just throwing stuff? Yes, I'm well aware of the fact that he likes to hit stuff with his cane when he's angry. Yeah, I'll be there in five. Bye." With a sigh, Emma gets up.

"Where are you going?" Hook asks.

"Because of _you_, Gold's throwing a temper tantrum." Emma glares at him, walking up to the cell and pointing a finger in his face. "And give me this." She pulls his hook off. "So you can't pick the lock. I'll be back."

"I do hope you hurry!" He calls after her.

* * *

Rumplestiltsin lets out a primal yell as he knocks over a vase. Belle flinches and takes an involuntary step back.

"Rumple, you're scaring me." She says quietly. She's never liked admitting to fear, even to herself, but if it gets her lover to stop this rampage, she'll swallow her pride. The last thing she wants to happen is Emma to arrive, guns blazing. That'll just make things worse. Rumplestiltskin stops dead in his tracks, his face softening, though rage is still lining his features ever so slightly.

"I'm sorry, Belle." He rushes over to her, but she pushes him away. "I can't let him hurt you."

"He wasn't coming after _me_, he was coming after _you_, because of something that happened nearly 300 years ago! All because of your _rage_! The same rage you have now. You need to stop, Rumple."

"Belle–"

"No. Until you have an actual apology and you _mean it_, don't talk to me." She storms out of the pawn shop, the bell jingling as the door slams open and closed. A few seconds later, the bell jingles again, signaling the Sheriff's arrival.

"What the Hell's going on?" Emma demands.

"I see Belle called you." He says simply, turning around to meet her gaze.

"Yeah, she did. You were too busy having a hissy fit to notice." The blonde says.

"I assure you, Miss Swan, everything is fine."

"Oh, everything is _so_ not fine. You're coming with me."

"You have not right to arrest me." Rumplestiltskin smirks.

"Actually, I do. Misdemeanor and endangering a citizen." Emma replies, pulling out her cuffs and snapping them onto his wrists.

"I was not going to hurt Belle. That's the last thing I'd ever do."

"No, but you tried murdering Hook half an hour ago." The blonde says.

"He tried to murder me first!" Rumplestiltskin cries.

"You have the right to remain silent, so shut the Hell up."

* * *

"Emma, Lass, I'm so glad you're back!" Hook drawls from his cell. He quickly sobers when he sees who she's brought along. Both men's lips turn up into snarls, Rumplestiltskin even baring teeth. The blonde unlocks the cell door and shoves the town owner in.

"Don't try to use magic, Gold. Turns out, you shouldn't have taught me that disenchanting spell. Anyone in there can't use magic." Emma says with a smirk. Then she says, her voice low and dangerous, "Now, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to walk out. When I come back, both of you better be alive and well. You also better have put your past behind you. Neither of you are leaving until I know I'm not going to get ten calls a day about you two trying to kill each other. Am I clear?"

"Crystal." Hook replies, and Rumplestiltskin simply stares her down.

"Good." With that, she leaves.

* * *

"Charming!" Snow whisper-yells. After the whole Archie fiasco (he'd only been discovered alive last night), Henry's finally sleeping in and the teacher doesn't want to wake him. "You _cannot_ kill her, do you understand me?"

"What happened to an eye for an eye?" James asks pointedly, growing more frustrated by the minute.

"We aren't in the Enchanted." Snow says simply. James gives her a look. "No, don't give me that look. That's the same one you gave me after we talked to Rumplestiltskin when I was pregnant and after I stopped Regina's execution." She crosses her arms.

"I'd just prefer a little consultation. You know, cause we're _married_ and we make decisions _together_. Not to mention, you named _our daughter_ without me being included!"

"Keep your voice down." Snow snaps quietly. "Emma will kill us if we wake up Henry."

"Fine." He sighs. "What would you like me to do?"

"Not kill her." She wraps her arms around his neck and nuzzles him. He captures her lips in his. Mid-make-out, the front door flies open.

"Shit." Emma covers her face with both hands. "Can you two _please_ stop doing that where other people can see?"

"Sorry, Sweetie." Snow apologizes. She notices the way her daughter's voice sounds, the way she's standing. The blonde doesn't even look mad. She just seems frustrated and… upset? No, that's not the word. Broken isn't it, either. Snow settles for _bent_. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"It's just been a really long day." She sighs, her voice quivering as she slumps onto the couch. Snow steals a quick, worried glance at James, whose expression mirrors her own. "Where's Henry?"

"He's sleeping." Snow says softly. "Finding out about Archie and what Regina did… it took a lot out of him."

"Thanks. For taking care of him while I was dealing with some things." The blonde looks between her parents, her eyes glassy.

"Anytime, Emma." Snow assures her. James watches the two, feeling awkward and unsure of himself. He doesn't know much about his daughter, but he knows enough to know that it's taking a lot of effort for her not to break down right now. He doesn't know if his presence is wanted or unwanted, if he's being helpful by giving silent moral support. And just like that, someone saying he or she will do _anything_ for her, for her _son_, Emma's shoulders slump and start shaking with silent sobs. Instantly, Snow's arms are around her, which only makes things worse. James' heart breaks for his daughter. Seeing the normally strong woman so upset makes him feel as though he's being torn in two. Deciding that Emma needs to know that he's there for her as much as Snow is, he sits on the other side of her. He wraps an arm around her, his arm bouncing up and down with her sobs. It amazes him how quiet of a crier she is; then again, he supposes that twenty eight years of hiding emotions to make sure no one gets past walls does that to a person. After a few minutes, Emma calms down, the sobs subsiding to sniffles. Snow locks eyes with him, and he nods. She's asking if he can watch her for a moment while she crosses the room to get tissues. She comes back with the cream-colored box, which the blonde accepts gratefully.

"Sorry." She says quietly and nasally. "I uh, I'm really frustrated and sometimes when I'm really frustrated, it's like the frustration is wired to my tear ducts and…" she shrugs self-consciously, clearly embarrassed by her outburst. She gives the same small laugh she gave Snow when they were in her nursery.

"Oh, Emma, you never have to apologize." Snow brushes a lock of hair from her daughter's face. "Things like this happen to the best of us."

"Snow's right." James nods, still rubbing circles on the blonde's back, like he does to Snow when she's upset. "Now, what is it that's made you so frustrated?"

"It's stupid." She shrugs again. _Really, it is. Fairytale characters are running around trying to kill each other, that's all_, she thinks bitterly.

"Nothing that makes my daughter upset is stupid." James declares.

"Now spill." His wife finishes.

"Ok, well, I'm assuming you've heard about Hook and Goldstiltskin's problem. The whole 'dead lover thing'. Well, they keep trying to kill each other and I mean, that's not usually a problem. I can deal with people trying to kill each other. It's the fact that it's _Captain freaking Hook_ and _Rumplestiltskin_. And the _Evil Queen_ is my son's adoptive mother, and her crazier-than-her total psychopathic mother is in town, too! And my life has been flipped upside down, done a one-eighty, and everything's different. You know… just a lot to take in." Emma does her best to keep her voice low, not wanting to wake her son.

"Goldstiltskin." James chuckles quietly. "Creative." Then he says seriously, "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"No, but thanks."

"Emma, you're not alone anymore. You know that, right?" He says.

"What do you think half of that display was about?" The blonde snaps, then sighs. "Sorry. I'm trying not to push you guys away, I really am. I guess… I guess there's one thing you can do for me."

"Anything." James says immediately, ecstatic that he can help his daughter.

"Just don't try to kill anyone. The rest of the men in this town are, except maybe Jefferson… but I have no idea where he is, so he might as well be killing someone right now." At Emma's request, Snow gives her husband a pointed look. This doesn't go unnoticed by Emma. "Please tell me you didn't…"

"He was going to." Snow says.

"Regina's a threat–" He begins to justify, but the blonde cuts him off.

"Let me finish dealing with Gold and Hook, then I'll deal with her." Emma pushes herself off the couch and disappears into the bathroom. When she comes back out, all traces of her break down have been erased. As she opens the door, she says, "Can you wake Henry up in half an hour? I want him to be able to sleep tonight. And if he wants a cookie or something, that's fine. The kid's having a rough time. And I'll bring home pizza tonight, okay?"

"O-Okay." Snow absorbs the words. "Have fun, Sweetie!"

"Yeah." Emma scoffs over her shoulder, then gently shuts the door.

* * *

Emma walks into the Sheriff's station, pleased to see the two men in the cell sitting.

"You guys work everything out?" She asks with an amused smile.

"Yes." Hook grumbles. Rumplestiltskin glares daggers at her again.

"Are you sure?" Slowly, she walks toward the cell, her brown boots clacking against the tile floor

"Yes, Swan!" The man yells, clearly unhappy about being locked in a cell with the other man.

"Cause I can tell when _anyone_ is lying." Emma says. She looks both of them in the eye, and up and down, and decides they're telling the truth. "Good. If I get one more call about either of you causing any problems with each other, you'll be right back in here until I decide you've learned your lessons." She unlocks the cell door, and Hook runs out as if it's on fire. Gold limps out with his cane and glowers at her.

"Can I have my hook back?" The pirate asks.

"What's the magic word?" Emma's really having too much fun with this.

"Please." Hook grits out. With a nod and a smile, the blonde unlocks a desk drawer and hands him his hook. The two men walk out, grumbling.

"Have a nice day!" She calls after them, laughter in her voice.

**IF YOU HAVE A MINUTE AND YOU DON'T MIND, PLEASE VOTE IN MY POLL. IT'S OUAT RELATED.**


End file.
